31/05/2026

i am a monumental failure. i don't think ive done a single outstanding thing in my life. im going to fail my exams, ive fucked up my uni application and all i do in my spare time is get high and sleep. i have no ambitions, no plans for the future and no motivation to do anything. im rude, im annoying and i am lonely. i really do hate myself, i have let myself down.

14/05/2026

I HATE BEING OUTSIDE sosososo much. The thought of other people being able to SEE me makes me feel so sick. Every time I leave my room all I feel is humiliation. It's embarrassing to ever think I look good enough to go outside and allow people to see my face.
It's not even the way I look, it's the way I act. i feel like a freak doing anything when people can see, like omg look how this girl stands, how she walks, look how weird she looks when she talks, ew why does she say things like that. I'm just so poor at behaving non-awkwardly and I suffocate in shame every time I realise I'm real and people can actually see me and form opinions on me. If I had two wishes they would be to be invisible and for everyone to forget any memory of me. I would never have to worry about anyone seeing me again. I was genuinely so disgusting to look at up until recently and the amount of people that remember me as that fucked up freak girl failure makes me when to die. I want everybody to completely forget about me forever.
I'm going to fail my exams because I'm basically braindead. My plan is to enjoy my long summer break and have all the fun i want, then i plan to lock myself in my room until i get kicked out i just die. I'm genuinely the biggest failure you could meet. All I do is eat, sleep and smoke, I have no future to work for. I've completely given up trying to make anything of myself. I had hope ,when I was younger, that I was going to be a positive change or that I could fix everybody's problems but there is no fight left. This isn't even some melodramatic pity bs its a truth ive come to peace with.
I was promised somebody who loved me who would know everything about me and even find the ugly parts of me beautiful in a way, my very own person I could keep all to myself, and that sounded like heaven to me. All I ever really wanted was love. But there is nothing about me that is appealing, im stupid, lazy and ugly and an emotional miserable mess. It's so over. It's so unfair that there are girls that look like goddesses brought into this world and I'm just supposed to live around them and not feel seething jealousy.
I wish i was a cute chihuahua, i would b so cute i wouldn’t work, no responsibilities only cute outfits and petting. fml. This probably all sounds stupid too but i guess im just bad t expressing things well.

10/05/2026

This might sound so fucked but I lowkey like throwing up. I get bad nausea almost daily but if i vomit it goes away, so i'd rather just do that then continue to just feel sick. get it out the way yk. I dont like anything else that comes with it (usually cleaning) but its a cathartic action especially if its because of anxiety. You get to have a cheeky cry sesh AND its involitary so you dont have to think about what youre doing?! what a win.
One time i was throwing up in some dingy car park and this girl held my hair back, petted me, told me everything was going to be ok then gave me a diet coke after. hnghhhhh. whatever, everybody enjoys a little comfort.

18/04/2026

Yesterday I did a practical in science with the guy. We don't speak outside of lesson because I've blocked him but to be honest I missed being able to talk to him so it was nice. Maybe bittersweet is a better word for it. I accidentally touched his hand when we were passing stuff and I had to tell my chuddy geeky ass to not freak out about it. Guys I'm lowkey a loser omd my heart was racing. And to make matters worse, when my friend was driving me home her friend was on aux and played one of the songs he showed me.
I'm almost done with college and now all I can think about is how in a month and a bit I'll probably never see him again. It is probably for the best but the thought of it upsets me. I mean he's so cool and funny to talk to, even when I don't know the stuff he talks about I just love listening. I'm not sure if I hope to forget all about him in 5 years. I think whilst I'm still at college with him I will make the most of it. There's a selfish little part of me that hopes he won't forget me so easily. I know I won't forget him for a while actually, I often have very vivid dreams/nightmares and my brain LOVES to make me talk to people from my real life.
Does anyone else get the feeling that no one quite understand the "real" them? I don't mean it in a "I'm so different and quirky" type of way but more so that they suck at expressing themselves. I'm just so bad at talking that I constantly say things I don't mean. I look back on messages I sent people months ago and I cannot comprehend that I wrote them, I feel a complete disconnect from any version of me from over a week ago. What's up with that?

22/03/2026

PSA dont do shrooms then get into an arguement with your mum. had me seeing demons. anyways working on a new creative project. Been taking a bunch of photos recently and I'm super excited to make something of them. I'm very chihuahua inspired right now, my favourite kind of chihuahuas are long coat tan and white, or fawn, but the long coat is a must! not a huge fan of short hair chihuahuas.
In terms of visual kei, I've been listening to A LOT of Das:Vasser, Maschera and Chanton L'amour. I've been meaning to do a vkei rant soon sigh

19/02/2026

Guys I'm so broke UGH. somebody was selling a Shazna album for hella cheap and I couldn't even afford that, I did cry a bit. Worst part about being broke is forcibly going clean,,,,, I'm trying not to think about it too much but I'm mad as hell!!!!!!!!!
I was invited to a lil visual kei fan gathering this saturday but I don't think I'm going, I get very nervous in social situations. everybody will be dressed up and look so cool and I always get nervous I'm gonna look so bad compared to other people there. I KNOW comparison is the theif of joy or whatever but I can't help it.
The thing about alternative makeup is that when I wear it, it looks good on camera (with filters, blur ect,,) but if you see it in person I look so bad. I think my face might be the problem, a lot of my natural features are working against me. I'm a VERY insecure person but I'm working on it. Maybe I'd feel better if I wasn't BROKE

16/03/2026

School sucks right now but I'm so excited for summer. I'm hoping for lots of long walks. I got a digicam and I've been messing around a bit with videos and stuff, I'm thinking of making little vlogs over summer... could be really fun.
Charged up my old 3DS for the first time in a bit to play nintendogs + cats, I love that game so much the soundtrack always makes me feel so happy and calm. I love walking my dog with the pedometer function because it motivated me to go outside more. life hack!!!!!!!!1
I'm at a very low point in my life right now so I'm trying my best to think super positive. I've got a Takanaka concert soon!!!111!1! I'm so excited, I keep watching yt videos of his lives to get mentally prepared. Once I get enough energy to set up my reviews page I will make sure to talk about him in more detail.
everybody stay safe and stay cute awwwwww

23/02/2026

Funnily enough, the day after posting my last entry, my mum removed the the big rug we had in the kitchen so it's just the tiles. I'm so happy! Can't wait to mop it.
I wish I had a true ambition in life like Naruto, I don't have a drive to accomplish anything great and it leaves me kinda directionless. I guess my goals for the future are to own a chihuahua, to have a cute wardrobe and to own my own house. I'm lowkey poor asf tho..... and with the way my grades are looking I don't think I'm getting a well-paying job anytime soon.

19/02/2026

I'm SO jealous of people with tile floors throughout the house. Hoovering is one of the most unenjoyable chores for me, sweeping and mopping are WAYYYYY more fun. I love moppping with a rag not a mop, rags really let you scrub. Mops kinda feel too gentle like it's not really cleaning. Hoovering sucks especially when you have so many pets that shed fur. The floors never feel clean enough for me. If only all my floors were tiled.
sighs wistfully...
What an interesting blog entry. Don't get too entertained guys!

17/02/2026

The bus I was on yesterday drove past my childhood home, it looks the same. I haven’t lived there in almost decade. A year before I left that house for the last time I brought a small cactus, I asked my dad to drop it off at my mum’s house before he left. As I went past yesterday I saw it in the window of the kitchen. I wonder if the new residents know they’re holding onto my father’s penultimate failure. I’ve thought many times about knocking on the door and asking for it back, I would like to.
Girl I want my cactus back!!!!!
If you couldn't tell already, I'm a bit of a gossip. If that annoys you, you'll be happy to hear it bit me in the ass today. I wasn't ENTIRELY in the wrong, but I probably should've done a little more thinking. I should probably think a little more all the time but alas, I am stupid.
Been drawing more catboys as of late.

16/02/2026

There's a girl who's crushing on me right now. She is absolutely gorgeous and we have some overlapping interests, she's told me how she feels VERY unsubtly. That WOULD be great if I wasn't messed up in the head and obsessed with a guy who's literally rejected me already. I want him so badly but I know it's not happening. He's the one that introduced me to neocities but I doubt he'll see this because I would be surprised if he went out of his way to find this. He's not exactly interested in me…..
I wish there was an easy switch I could flip to get over someone but attachment has always been a difficult thing for me. If I felt this way for the girl it would be perfect you know but my brain likes playing cruel tricks on me by making me like people who don’t feel the same and makes me not like people who do like me. I feel guilty, I see this girl like reels about the “huzz” not liking them back or ignoring them or whatever, like girl it’s nothing to do you, I’m the problem here. Then I realise that that's how I sound about this guy, my friends must be fed up. They banned me from talking about him lol.
And you know I did start to SLIGHTLY get over him after the rejection and then he was moved next to me in my bio class,,,, as if fate couldn't spit in my face anymore already. How am I supposed to focus on genes or whatever when I’ve literally got the most gorgeous guy I've ever seen sitting next to me?????? I considered blocking him on everything, reducing all contact until I know there's no feelings left but that whole seating plan change would make that SO awkward.
I want to get over him, I know I don't have a chance and I suspect there's someone else on his mind, it's also not fair on him to have my emo ass moping about him. I want this girl to get over me because I don't want her feeling exactly the way I am. Isn’t it funny I’m experiencing either side of this whole “they don't want me” thing, probably a lesson from the universe.
The whole gay thing would be a problem as well but that's a discussion for another time.
I want to move somewhere far far away, where nobody knows me.

15/02/2026

All my friends were telling me I NEED to meet this girl and that she’s JUST like me. Well I met her and she was one of the most annoying fucking people I’ve ever met. I literally had to leave the room she was in on multiple occasions to calm down. Major personality revamp on the way then…. I really hope my friends are wrong……… aaaaaaaghhhhh
Mmmmm I’m thinking of starting a commentary(?) page where I share things I like, I’ll probably be talking a lot about vkei lives and albums because there’s so many hidden gems!!!!!! I'll maybe talk about F1 and motogp as well, if anyone seems interested. I mean this was gonna be a Rossi fanpage initially anyways

13/02/2026

Ok at a party kind of. Alone in the kitchen because everyone went to see someone doing something in another room, I don’t know what. There’s a girl walking around with a puppet and talking to people that she knows are high to try freak them out. I’m so flipping scared. My mum's texting me to get my ass home but Lord knows I’m not listening to her, it’s too interesting here. Some people here are current friends, some are people I haven’t spoken to in years and some are people I’ve never met before. I used to be scared of going to parties but now I don’t really care, if anything goes wrong or people are bothering me I can always walk out. I’m glad I’m scared of less things now.

nothing to read here...